Ramblings
Recorded while driving around
I drive at night and I cry in the dark. My Baby, my poor,poor,poor Baby, I miss you so much. Driving home to an empty house. The days go by fast but the nights are twice as long. I rush home but there is no one there. You never be there. The days will go by the months the years. Baby, baby all those memories, all those good times. Hi honey I'm home, I'm home, I'm home..... Another week is gone by, here I'm going home Saturday night, Jan 24... Baby, baby, what can I tell you? How it feels sitting here alone, my back seat driver is gone, life so sad, I'm so sad I can not find the words, I miss you, baby, baby... I remember you sitting on your suitcases in Sandiego waiting in cold desert air for three hours Baby, baby please come back to me pls come back to me. Going home to an empty house all your things are still the way you left them. I dont know where to begin putting them away.. All those personal things on your dresser everything in the house thatr youi usedtouched over the years. Baby, Baby how can I live without you. How can I. You told me more that once that you are so sorry theat you had to put me through all this, put me through all this suffering whikle you suffered so teriibly so teribbly.... My God, why God ? I drove by the phoneboot at Cedar Park. I remember that phone call that came from here, that fateful day. Liza called, her voice was small like a little girls, she said, Honey I have a lump in my breast, then silence, silence.... Thats when it all started. This was the beginning of the end. Jan 30,98Fri 1pm East Btroadway at Victoria on the way to a meeting at the cancer society with jackie and Angie... Why me, why me the answer to why me will elude me forever.I suppose. Broadway and Main, Continental Coiffures. This is where it all started 33 years ago, God , time sure goes by fast. 33 years I'm back on the same corner this time without her, this time alone. When you think about it 30 years seems like such a long time but it's only 10 thousand nights !!! I wonder where all her trophys are,Lixa the famous hairstulist, all the competitions, all the trophys must be in the warehouse in boxes. I can, I can let go the past in time but rally hurt s s the future the future that will never be. Feb 6th98 Fri I see Mt baker with the fresh snow, makes me so sad and at the same times happy haPPY TYHA TYOU ARE NOT SUFFERING. Just I missed you so, I still cant stoip the tears honey, my loss all the things that cn nver be, Baker is so beautiful in its freash coat of snow I know you will be happy there and we will be able to see you all the time. when I drivew by. God, why God, why? will ask this question forever. People are driving by me left and right, busy with their daily lives, here I'm driving ahead with noplace to go. On my way to work. Yhanks god for my work I'd go crazy sitting home looking at photos. Baby help me, help me please. I miis her the most when I'm driving alone in the car. She has been with me most of the times, my back seat driver. Saved our neck a few times by warning me, but i sure miss her beside me, her chat, just the little things. Go home to an empty house is bad enough driving alone is propably worst. Shes beeen with me millions of miles to here and there, my sidekick, forever Baby forever I will be with you forever if not on this Earth then in the heavens. Driving home again on Friday night an other long night ahead, 7o clock full moon beautiful, no one to share it with, God you sure,sure sure, sure, sure, sure, sure screwed me, I know I'm no good, I know . you took away the only thing that ever mattered. The only thing that aever mattered in my life, Oh Baby, my Baby. Nothing will ever be yje same I misse you so much. I miss you on this long road on this long road to nowhere. These tears I know these tears are for me but nver the less how I wish I couild be different and I know it can nver be. Mon Feb 23. 6.30pm on the way home from work, For years I just could not care less for I just did not thinkmof it, I was not in thr hurry to get home. I knew that she will be there whatewver time I get home and now I find it strange now that she is gone that I'm angscious so angsc to get home in the hurry . I rush back toward the big empty house subconsciously hoping that she will be there home. My voice echoes in the empty house: HI Honey !!! I'm home ! Monday morning I'm back to work. On the freeway driving west March 2nd,Monday the days dont change much. No one really knows what its like not until it happens to them, not until it happens to you, Te memories all the things that was and all the things that will never be. Soemtimes guilt sometimes sorrow, and alway the Why, why me why us, and the reminders palce we been things we done the momories tha treally hurt. All the things that never be March 7 Fri Driving from Lynden to Sumas, the BIG stopsign whew our Jeep bropke and we hitchhiked in the rain to Pinochios in Sumas. Sonja from UPS gave us a ride. We drove this road thousand sof times and I know I know your spirit is with me, sitting besudes me. As I'm saying these words and an eagle appeared just above my truck circling in the sky. A sign you sending ? is it a sign ? Our love did not die that dismal Noverber morning morning it will be there forever. My darling forever. She named me Grey Lightning in a special ceremony on top of Sumas Mountain. The immense campfire fire was lighting up the surrounding forest and she used the hot ashes to mark on my forehead the memory of this night. Old friend I have not seen for along time lost his wife years ago he told me he cryed he cryed until he run out ofmtears. I still ahve tearsl lkeft , wonder how much longer, how much longer. 33 some years ago give or take a few months, I remember I remember when she agreed to move in with me into my house in WEst Vancouver, I went to pick her up A sunny day she was waiting outside the door I can see you standing beside your suitcase, your suitcases, and boxes , looked so pretty in he miniskirt , minidress. I felt so lucky.Everything she owned went into the trunk My old 52 chevy. My old 52 chevy. Lost of fun in the back seat and she came home and stasrted cleaning and kept it iup for 33 years. Always so punctual same in SanSDiego the last trip there I was suppose to pick her up 5 in the morning I got there too late she sat on her suitcase in the cold deset air waiting while I was sleeping down tjhe road slept in the rest area less then ten miles away. How stuped can I get. I missed three hours, theree more hours We could of had I could of had. I did not know it hten and now it's toolate. All these, all these memories andall the things I could of done different I wisj I know I wish it was not as it is, I wish I wish, I wish..By Baby Mart 12 thu 4pm Belling ham I% heading south. March 20 Fri On the way to work BeaUTIFULK SUNNY DAY i MISS HER MORE ON SUnny dayslike this my tortured soul crying out for help when ther eint any. The is no hope, All hope is gone only the dreams our dreams remain. I'm alone and I will be until we meet again. I really want to believe that. Pleas ehelp me to believe that. Tjhis inferno that raging this unening sorroe for al the things we did not do, for all the things I did not do, this guilt, all the nights I worked alone, all the times I could of shared. All the times are lost forevere vever. ever. Sunday. March 2122 Sundays are the hardestr that whne I miss yopu most. hone on Sunday. I regret I regret I regret thoise long hours long night I spent working away from you al tha t time al that time If I know if I know how prescous time was I could of seen it All the tiem I could of had with you. Now I'm On my way to Ginos place, remember the fun we had, still have the picture on the beach the little boat almost sinking with Gino sitting in the back. you were laughing so hard when it turned over. Oh Baby those day on the beach our own beach those happu day those fday of long ago. I love you Honey Good bye. My poor poor baby I will have to follow you to oblivion to that othet worls that been there since the beginning and it will be there after the end. End we will be together again. The Q is the only one that copuld help me If I had the power I do not know if I would use it ? I would abuse it. Baby one day we will meet again I know that I know that know. I m seeing the signs the signs you are sending. Perhaps its my mind my imaginations, but its comforting its a comfort to believe that there is on oithe r place and another world place where we all meet where we will meet again. And Then perhaps just perhaps will be together again until until eternity until the next time Good by my Darling for now I remember I rmember the day I picked her up with all her belongings and took her to my house I remebet that day it was so long ago but is seen like it was just yesterday. Now on other one is gone anothe survivirr, is no more. Good bye, good bye. On my way to work through Abbotsford. Everywhere I go, every thing I see I see you Honey Its only been four months less than four but its along time without you. Syemaat quiet wing in the Mountains you flow through the mountains and embrace all ther lonely souls embrace them with your love they all your lovers they all yours forever. I call out her name a thousand times a day, Babe Babe.. htere is no anwaer. I call out her name in vain a thousand times a day and no one answer I cry out when I'm driving alone I cry out and call her name there is no one to answer there is noe one to see my tears. Driving arounf the city there is a memory around every cornet evrywhere I look everywhee I go just on my rounds like I uset to go withbher besides me now I'm alone I turn the cornet here we are aoonther place another stoiry, It will never end it will nevere never end my love will never end for her. jUST DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE HOLS I wish I couild believe I wish I coild believe some thing some thing in the future not just wmptyness and nothing It's so final. I'm home now. Must return to my empty nest. Baby baby I cry out for you 100of times a day 100 of times a day Baby baby alll oru dreamms all my dreams all our plams everything everything si gone forever AND EVER.. Good by my love good bye. Until we meet again one day. Good bye. She has taken all the good from her adopted white world and used itto help others. All through the day I call out your name when i'm driving I say Oh Babe. Baby,Baby poor Baby my poor Baby, poor me. It's over, its allover Honey, its fiinished Good bye Darling. Beautiful sunny day and who knows where are you, Good bye again godd bye my love. Arp 24,1998. Two more years until the turn of the century. Sunday. May9th. So long ago now, So long ago that I have not seen you and its only a few short months. I have cried a thousand cies and a million tears and its still there in no end in sight. The smartest, the brightes and the most beautiful of the five sisters my Princess she had to die. Hemingway was right only the good die young. Only the good die yourn my princess good bye. May22,98. The premier of her video today, the video for Breast self examination for native woman. I'm packing up the house, we are moving. Moving our personal things things with so many memories. She asked for so little and she gave so much, she gave so much. I found the forst gift she ever gave me. A shoe polish kit, a stand, so I can start my own shoe polish stand; I joked, She asked me over and ovr agin do you reaLLY LIKE IT, DO YOU, do you REALLY like it ? My Baby , my Baby I miss you. Forever. Found your treasures, the backet, the baskets your Grandmohter made Taha, ohover a 100 years ago . They all gone and you a re gone I'm still here Honey, Im still her . Ill be here ill be waiting for toyu for ever and I really want to beliver I really want to believe that one tday we will meat again one day we will meat agan whenever theat will be. By, good by until next time . I'm a man, im tough, I cry alone. I cry for you my Baby. Jun25 fri ? On the way home stuck in traffic just before the Port Mann bridge in Burnaby. On the way home alone. Baby baby the why still escapes me. We had our birthday party Gregs and Ricks on Fathers day. You marked this day on the calendar a year ago. but your are not here any more never be here again, baby baby. Baby ( love you I do not know how can I live without you. It's getting harder and haeder getting harder by the day . Not only the nights that are long but the days are getting to be. I driving im driving alone Im alone forever. I'm so happy tha t you died tha t you died before me, this pain this pain I would not want you to have. Sometimes I can not see the road from thetears sometines I sceream why why I cry untill there are no more tears Baby my tears are for us, for us baby. The days go by quick and the long night turns into mornings. Its morning again another morning without her. Jun 27, 1998. In the privacy of my car I scream at God Why why, why. Why God Why ? Mon JUn 27098. I missed you so much my darling You were always wuith me wherever I went. And you always be with me in my heart forever. Alea acta est. The dice has been cast. I'm On my way, on my way to anouther caper. but this time alone. First time in thirty years. You were alway with me, you weere always with me you will always will be. You weeer my Juliet when I wanted to be Romeo and you were Bonnie and I was Clyde. This time I do it alone. The trill still be there but it wont be the same. It will not be the same, we wont be sharing it. the way we had. I know you are with me. I know. I must stop now to wipe my tears. The love we had the excitement the secrets we shared. I seen and old farmer and his wife this morning. The old man with a cane and his little grey haired wife holding onto his hand, shuffling along on the long driveveway on their way to the mailbox. Takes them all mrning to get the mail. My Baby. My Love. Like I said she was Bonnie when I was Clyde. And the stories the stories Im can tell you and the stories I can onot. Those stories Oh God My Baby I miis you The stories I can tell no one The secrests, the dreams, our life . our life together. Aug 21. 1998. Alnost a year now. 7 months thatr you are gone. The tears have not stopped yet. They never will Baby.

The places I go The things I see, it's a constant torture, the memories are killing me.

I want to kick the world out of orbit. I keep on asking the same question???? Why, why, why. If I was'nt nuts already, it could drive me crazy.