Now these words are like giant logs flowing down on my river of tears. This huge log jam is in my eyes, I try to sleep and the words float by, bouncing off my eyelids, repeating over and over again, I cannot sleep, I cannot rest until I write.
I cried like this before. I was nine or ten years old, in Denmark, alone; for the first time away from my family. I hid in the woodshed so no one would see me cry.
I'm so sad, I'm so lonely.
It's been forty five days now since she passed away.
I'm so lonely. I feel so guilty for not doing more for her. She put her life in my hand and I failed her. She died for a cause, like a true hero, believing in her healing herbs until her last breath.
Those horrible last hours, her last night; I'm so glad I was with her until the end. The fluid has built up fast on her lungs, pneumonia was slowly winning the battle. Every breath was a fight. When a cough shook her frail body, she reached up and out with her one good hand, to hold unto mine. Like a drowning man. Oh; My God !!! I've seen the fear in her eyes as she drowned over and over again. So helpless.
By the time morning came she was exhausted, barely breathing; the hiss of the oxygen dominated the quiet of the room. She lay silently and I must have dozed off. I woke when I heard a whisper; my name.
The Sun had just begin to rise, the mist in the air left a mystical vapor around the evergreens outside her window. I did not know that this was the last hour of her last day. Another coughing spell, this time blood stained her lips. I called for the Nurse.
Her eyes opened wide, almost with suprise, like if she was seeing something above me. She called my name, Ben ! Ben ! Her grip on my hand tightened for a brief moment then slowly softened again, the pain that's been there so long had left her face, her body relaxed and she was gone.
I kissed her and closed her eyes.
Our love that began so many summers ago, did not end here this morning, my love will be with her forever. Until we meet again.
Thank you Great Spirit ! Thank you Merciful Lord !